Militant Ukulele Group Take Over Warwickshire Village

Militant Ukulele Group Take Over Warwickshire Village

Reports were coming in last night that a small village outside Nuneaton had been taken over by a militant ukulele group. Residents of Little Wanking manage to send out intermittent messages before make shift road blocks were erected by members of the group calling themselves the Smiling Music Ukulele Group (SMUG).

“It all started in the village hall on Tuesday nights. I even attended a couple. It was friendly. We played King of the Swingers and Bring me Sunshine. There was nothing to really differentiate it from other groups.” Said Imelda Iron who wished to remain anonymous.

“Then one day I turned up with a strap on my soprano. I thought nothing of it but I saw a few eyebrows and heard some deep sighs. When I pulled out a plectrum, the room just erupted.”

Iron reports that she was sent for individual reprogramming every week in a side room where she was reminded of the strict rules the club had applied.

“No straps, no plectrums, the cheaper the Uke from Amazon the more you were revered. Music stands were compulsory. You had to greet other members with the word “Aloha”. In fact there were even Hawaiian classes.”

Reports suggest that Tuesday nights spilt into Wednesday and then Thursday and then every other day of the week. Last week residents voiced concerns that “Ain’t She Sweet” was being played over a tannoy from the church belfry three times a day and a Wicca effigy of George Harrison had been erected in the village green.

Local tourist offices have reported that over the last month, every public event in Little Wanking has involved a ukulele performance by SMUG which ties in with the local Open Mic being dominated by members of the same group.

This morning three members of the village were ejected through the road blocks and their ukuleles confiscated because they had been accused of playing bluegrass.

Cult expert Irma Sheep, explained that the signs were there for months.

“You can usually identify signs of radicalisation at an early stage by the volume of videos filmed and put on YouTube. Ukulele videos of varying qualities by one person to begin with and then others from the same geographical area follow and all usually the same song. Last month there were 500 versions of Toxic by Britney Spears all coming from the same IP Address around Nuneaton. This week alone there has been 60 versions of Like A Virgin from the same area, mainly by players over 60.”

Alongside his information, The Puke recalls the same ukulele club attacking teacher Frank Murmer last month led by Mrs Illuva Pinbridge. Reports need to be verified before she is confirmed as the cult leader.

As I write, another report has come in that SMUG have now set up their own panel of ukulele experts who will develop ukulele doctrine and their own hall of fame over the next six months.

Sheep commented “This is entirely predictable behaviour. Radicalised novices who took up the Uke thinking it would be easy, ignoring the advice of seasoned performers and musicians to set up their own doctrine. It’s scary stuff!”

Watch this space for further reports.

Ukulele Ray Disappears

Fears for Ukulele Ray’s safety as photo of Ukulele Rays’ instruments is posted on his Facebook account without him in it.

The performer and pioneer of the luncboxelele which can often be seen in the hands of performers all over parts of San Diego is known for his extrovert appearances and online presence. Friend of Beatle and fellow ukulele player George Harrison, Ray has been known as the epitome of what the ukulele is all about.

“He’s the best Ukulele player in our three piece band.” Said Ukulele Ray’s Suitcase drummer last night. His bass player was inconsolable and unable to comment.

Police were first made aware of the disappearance when Doris Taylor from Nuneaton, UK, contacted them with her concerns.

“It’s just something I’ve never seen before.” Said Taylor last night. “He’s always there in his photos. I’ve never known him to photograph a ukulele without him being in it. So yesterday when he appeared to put a picture up of a Beatles Ukulele, I was immediately concerned.”

San Diego Police Department put out a statement last night.

“I can confirm that we are looking for a long dark haired, bearded male aged approximately 25-60 who was reported missing yesterday. He is never seen without a ukulele and we are searching all erect microphones in the area for signs of a performance. The case is severely compromised by factors such as not knowing where he disappeared from, where he has disappeared to and whether he has actually disappeared at all.”

The cultural and emotion impact of Rays disappearance has left an online population the size of Kidderminster in deep shock.

Taylor 73 said this morning:

“I’ve always loved America since I had a snog with a US service man round the back of Lakenheath Air Base in 1963. Up until three years ago I went to line dancing classes every Tuesday and ate in the local american diner afterwards. That was until I saw a YouTube video of Ukulele Ray singing ‘Sweet Caroline’ on his ukulele. I just had to learn and I had to follow this new love of my life. I just can’t get enough of his demonic eyebrows but angelic smile. To be honest I can’t look at his profile too often as I haven’t got a huge budget for Tena ladies.”

In a somewhat weird twist of fate, Ukulele Ray posted a video up to YouTube in 2011 which some are saying was a premonition of his disappearance. You can see it here.

The Periodical Uke is in direct contact with San Diego Police Department and will update as the story unfolds.

New Ukulele Festival Innovates by excluding Ukuleles

A brand new ukulele festival was announced today with a number of exciting twists with the main shocker feature being no Ukuleles allowed.

Dick Waver came up with the idea after a year of learning the Uke and one epiphany moment at his Uke club.

“I was sat amongst 30 other ukulele players and we were half way through “King of the Swingers” when I made a sudden realisation.

“Whilst I love the community and social aspect of ukulele clubs and festivals, the ukulele itself actually sounds bloody awful.”

That was the point he realised where other festivals were going wrong. Waver began looking at trends and realised that things were looking fairly grim for the industry.

“I’ve looked at the trends, got the stats and I’ve come to the conclusion that should I do more research on this, the results would tell me exactly what I predict. I’ve seen it before and I can see it happening here. There’s one major theme that runs right through each ukulele festival which is putting people off. That is ukuleles.”

The Awesome Anglo Non Ukulele Ukulele Festival is set to take place in an unconfirmed part of the UK once the correct time and date has been identified.

“People get caught up in details and rightly so” Waver says “But in my opinion this is tribal thinking. Without rigorous research and market studies we can’t really be sure what the best details are. I have a team of 10 people ready and willing to fill in polls and questionnaires whenever I want.”

The final product is a ukulele festival that is ditching the small guitar for Ocarinas and Bassoons.

Other differences are expected to turn the industry on its head. Set lengths are not set. Instead performers arrive to perform and the audience indicate when they want the performer to extract themselves by means of propelling tomatoes on the stage. Waver explains:

“I originally wanted to research set length but I found there was a bias in my being male whereby any actual length is shorter than what is actually stated. Alongside this major difference, we are also making major changes.

“Market research suggests ukulele audiences aren’t actually interested in being an audience. Therefore the idea of a performer being on stage and the audience being in seats is ludicrous. This Ukulele festival will have the best Ocarina players sat in the stalls while the audience watch their performance from the stage.”

Details which have been confirmed are James Hill who is due to perform. The date of the festival is to be confirmed once Hill, perhaps one of the worlds most well known ukulele geniuses, learns to play the Ocarina.

Other details include a number of workshops:

How to innovate without actually innovating.

Finding originality in cliches.

The Vaguely Provacative Performance.

Watch this space for more details.

Mouth Trumpet Craze puts Relationship Charities under Pressure

Photo used with kind permission of Victoria Vox

A new phenomena has spread across the US and the U.K. amongst young newly married couples putting relationship counselling charities under pressure.The mouth trumpet is a little known skill and only a handful of people globally are known to have mastered it.

Victoria Vox, singer songwriter from California in Costa Mesa, has recently taken the world by storm for her singing, insightful songs and her fine command of the ukulele. However what has really caught the public’s attention is that she is a rare expert on the mouth trumpet. That combined with her recent marriage to singer and guitarist, Jack Maher, many young women have made her their role model for how to spice up their love life.

Mrs Polesa Part, CEO of marriage guidance charity “Holding Hands” explains the issue.“The first couple came through the door and, if I’m honest, I found it difficult not to giggle at first. I mean a couple having problems because of a mouth trumpet.”

A client of the charity who shall remain anonymous explained his issue.“It started on our honeymoon night, just as we were about to make love, I heard a low pitched vibration in my ear. At first I thought it was a mosquito until my wife said ‘Do you like that baby?’

“Obviously not wanting to offend I went with it and realised she was attempting to give her mouth trumpet version of Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye. Much as I have an open mind and will try anything once, I just couldn’t cope. It’s one thing to play the mouth trumpet well like Victoria Vox, but when you fail miserably it’s horrendous. Imagine your special moment of surrender and your wife sounds like a disabled fog horn!”

Stories are emerging that this phenomena has occurred from the first dances at weddings and lately even elderly couples have fallen victim to it. Couples appear to be approaching relationship counselling charities in their droves as partners are describing an inability to “unhear” the horrendous noise.

Mrs Parts advice is:

“There’s a reason that Vox is called a mouth trumpet expert. That’s because it takes years of practice to get it right. To that end it’s worth leaving your attempts out of your romantic moments until you’re totally confident it won’t tarnish any special moment.

“Victoria Vox spoke to the Periodical Uke last night and commented:

“I would encourage everyone to take up the mouth trumpet, but, like sex within any long term relationship, it takes years and years to get right.”

You can hear Victoria Vox and her mouth trumpet here .

Victoria’s new album Colorful heart is out on Feb 9th. You can get all the info about her and her music at here!!!

Scores of Ukuleles laid to Waste through Unboxing Video Mishaps

New research has shown that an alarming number of ukuleles of all sizes are being unintentionally mislaid and lost through unplanned and ill thought out unboxing videos.

The Global Institute for study of Waste and Sustainability conducted 5 years of research through interviews with people who had joined the throngs of a once new video craze that doesn’t seem to show signs of abating.

“Unboxing videos” usually entail someone receiving a package in the post.

In front of the camera the recipient takes off the wrapping and opens the box to reveal a new ukulele. The aim is that the recipient can then share or gloat about their new instrument with anyone and everyone who doesn’t have one.

Dr Tim Ber of the institute explains the problems these videos are causing.

“Whilst the original aim of the video is to celebrate receiving a new instrument, very often the person in the video loses site of what they’re doing altogether as they get excited about pretty much everything from the quality of the cardboard, the strength of the tape to the professionally arranged bubble wrap. Very often the person will take the ukulele out of the box and end up discarding it. If the Uke has come with accessories such as capo, plectrums, gig bags or chord book, well it’s very common the actual ukulele doesn’t get a look in. We have attended many post Unboxing recording situations when we’ve rummaged through the aftermath and found discarded ukuleles. When shown to the owner they have lost all memory of what they originally ordered and we’ve then been left with a Uke in our hands we didn’t pay for.”

Over the last few years, the numbers of forgotten Ukes has nearly quadrupled leading to an unwanted ukulele mountain in Slough. But Dr Tim Ber says there are other complications with having an uncontrollable urge to record unboxing videos.

“We are getting an increasing amount of live videos where people are Unboxing a package and it turns out not to be a ukulele at all. In one case it was a sex toy, in the other an ironing board. Each time the recipient actually doesn’t realise it’s not an ukulele at all but the public are left laughing at the person filming.

The latest advice is to not film yourself Unboxing the ukulele at all. Unbox the instrument in stages removing each stage of packaging carefully and putting it straight in the bin. Once you have the ukulele in your hand, practice until you’re happy with a song and then perhaps you can make a video that isn’t monotonously pointless and celebrating pointless materials such as cardboard.

For those struggling to stop unboxing videos, there is now a charity called “Box Up the Unbox” dealing with this specific problem. Their number is 0800 111111.

Fisher men left Reeling after Ukulele String Revelation

Fisherman all over the coast of Japan were left aghast last night as the first confirmations that the fishing line they use was not fishing line but was in fact ukulele strings.

Rumours began to emerge a few years ago. Economists first looked into the stories when they considered whether fishing line alone or indeed ukulele strings alone could make keep an economy afloat. As they delved deeper and dug through the layers of businesses dressed up as specific fishing line companies they found that fishing line across the world was being supplied by a retired US Airforce man Ben Riddleton who owned a small but prolific ukulele string factory.

“It’s a simple idea” remarked Riddleton. “Put lots of the exact same ukulele string in lots of different colours and package them in lots of different reels calling them lots of different names. Fishermen lap it up thinking they’re being selective about their lines when in fact their very expensive shark line is the exact same line as the strings on the ukulele little Billy got for Christmas. It’s made me millions. I’ve been doing the same thing for ukuleles for years.”

One fisherman was almost too embarrassed to speak and it took one of our journalists a 6 hour fishing trip and a bag of chips to coax a comment out of the proud man who said,

“I have no words.”

A representative from the world wide fishing club said,

“At the end of the day it doesn’t matter where the line comes from if it does the job but many fishermen in the Pacific treat their fishing line as if they’re sacred artifacts brining supernatural secrets from the deep. Many fishing line companies suggest that they put the lines through sacred ceremonies as they’re being made to ensure the best strength and catch.”

The truth outing may give an explanation to the age old stories of fishing line being cast out and suddenly fishermen hearing tunes like “Ain’t she sweet” and “It’s turned out nice again” out from the depths.

A representative for the world wide ukulele association commented.

“ Us ukulele players can’t see what all the fuss is about. There’s no snobbery about ukulele strings amongst us players. If it does the job it does the job. We all know where fluorocarbon comes from so why package it up in different packets? In fact some of us now just buy it in reels anyway. You’ll never catch a ukulele player saying “my strings better than your string”.

In fact the Puke showed the representative an online conversation thread by fishermen about the best possible fishing line and he found it very amusing that it took up half of facebooks server memory.

“That’s just ridiculous. You just don’t get this amongst ukulele players.”

Uke Read it Here

Judges Decide On Molly The Brunswick

Riots feared in Ukulele clubs over whether a ukulele can possess feelings.

A set of judges will meet today to decide whether a lady’s ukulele can have personhood status granted to it.

The case has been brought to light after 70 year old Illuva Pinbridge decided to assert mitigating circumstances for her violent attack on 40 year old Ukulele teacher Frank Murmer.

Pinbridge head butted and hit Murmer at the local ukulele club with a brown Makala Waterman after he had disputed a comment she made about the ukulele being a “happy instrument”.

Murmer, from his hospital bed said.

I’ve been playing and teaching the ukulele for 20 years. I’ve run a club for 5 and always made sure people know playing the Uke is their own individual journey. I teach how to play but as far as attitudes and the rest it’s all down to them. This wasn’t the first time Mrs Pinbridge has become aggressive. Last week she became very distressed that I suggested you can wear a strap on your instrument.”

Murmer suggests that there has been something sinister going on of late in the Uke pupil world.

“The new generation of ukulele pupil are somehow getting radicalised with ideas that are frankly frightening. No straps. No plectrums. Every ukulele sold shouldn’t cost more than £70 and should come with a gig bag, chord book and pickup regardless of whether you have an amp or not.

“We came to the end of a club rendition of Tears for fears Mad World when Mrs Pinbridge exclaimed what a happy instrument her ukulele was. All I said jokingly was that the ukulele couldn’t be happy because it was an inanimate object incapable of human feeling. I don’t remember the rest.”

brunswick

Molly the Brunswick

The court case arose as charges were brought against Mrs Pinbridge who cited provocation as reason for her attack. It is believed a number of novice ukulele players from a secret ukulele Facebook group have funded the proceedings to prove that Mrs Pinbridge Ukulele does infact have feelings. It is believed the defence are to present a case based on in depth sessions between her Brunswick concert and a psychiatrist however lawyers representing the state have suggested that a distinct lack of engagement and eye contact  between the Brunswick named “Molly” and the psychiatrists suggests underlying depression which therefore implies the ukulele is not in fact a happy instrument.
We will be reporting on the case as it proceeds.