Brandt Branded Ukulele Heretic

Man incurs wrath of radical musicians by publicly destroying ukulele.

Pockets of radical Ukulele players were enflamed with rage last night as American ukulele player Alan Brandt publicly destroyed a ukulele online. The number of witnesses to Brandt smashing the sacred instrument with a hammer is unknown but the angry responses on Facebook were unprecedented.

Police and the national guard have been mobilised to quell disquiet and riots in some communities where there has been mass chest thumping and gnashing of teeth.

Last night, prior to the act, Brandt was warned not to destroy the instrument for fear of reprisals but he refused and continued anyway. He is alleged to have intended to use the neck to build a “cigar box ukulele” but countless numbers felt this was still not “sustainable enough” and denied people in need of a decent opportunity to play.

Brandt was unavailable for comment this morning as rumours suggest he has moved himself and family into hiding. Word of this spurred hundreds of ukulele extremists to storm Brandt’s house in order to save as many ukuleles from destruction as possible. Despite exhaustive searches around the property, only one pink mahalo Ukulele was found. Despite needing a tune, it was largely intact.

“We can confirm that we have this morning removed an instrument from Brandt’s ukulele dungeon of hell where is is known to deface and maim these poor innocent instruments.” Said A representative of the Freedom For Fleas movement. “We have moved this ukulele and given it to a young 10 year old boy living in poverty”

Later this afternoon, Danny the poverty stricken boy was tracked down and asked what he thought of the gift.

“A meal would have been nicer or perhaps some footwear, but, you know I’d like to thank whoever for the small guitar. It made great firewood for warming my uncle Pete who lives outside somewhere.”

More news as it comes……

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It’s On!

RAS agree to definitely write England World Cup Song following second win by England football team.

The Rats Arse Strummers can confirm that they are definitely now going to write the National theme song in honour of the England football teams performance in the 2018 World Cup against Tunisia and Panama.

Musical director, Andy Withaball, has confirmed that he and a group of friends will now definitely go ahead and write the song which they’re hoping will be ready to go viral by the time the England team get home.

“I’m not even thinking of the possibility of winning another match or even winning the cup. Their playing against world quality teams, Tunisia and Panama have been outstanding. 6 goals in one game?! I had to change my boxer shorts almost as many times!”

Withaball admits progress has been slow , hindered partly by doubts cast by the media.

“I felt a pang or doubt yesterday as everyone was saying how England were only winning because they had an easy group. But you know, someone’s got to play the easy ones. And you know, the England players have to play some sort of football to earn the money they get given for just turning up.”

The group are reportedly coming to the end of the first first verse. The content is totally secret so we can’t reveal any words or music yet but watch this space.

Man who plays ukulele finds strength in heart to hate again.

Ukulele player Buck Le Trend wants to save the world with his uke but still manages to hate Mexicans.

The ukulele world tripped up on its own positive thoughts last night as it transpired that a man who took up the instrument some years ago still hated most people.

Whilst most ukulele players were still posting messages of love and optimism about how much the uke was going to change the world , Mr Buck Le Trend was taking his own path vocalising his disdain for people who happened to live outside his front gate and especially those of a different colour.

Not being totally fulfilled with calling the UKs Duchess of Sussex names referring to her colour, he is also a proud supporter of Trumps wall and keeping immigrants from Mexico out of his back yard.

“I know people will think I’m racist but really, I just don’t want any Mexicans in my back yard. We need this wall”. Said Le Trend who lives 600 km from the border of Mexico, right after he had finished his set at his ukulele club which included songs like “love will build a bridge” and “you are my sunshine.”.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love people and I do believe the ukulele will save the world. Most importantly I am not a racist! “ Le Trend said

“But it took a long time to clear the land of native Americans so we could start afresh and become the leader of the free world. We fought for freedom and liberty and we just don’t want to undo that by letting anyone just come in and do what they want when they want.”

As a result of this occurrence, new research is due to commence. Prof S. T. Rumb from Hoaxton university explained.

“It has become apparent that the ukulele, whilst engendering feelings of goodwill and inclusion is now a popular instrument amongst pockets of racist people in the Southern US. Why they have taken up this instrument is a mystery but we think it might be because most people who take up the ukulele experience some kind of name calling. We wondered whether this population who seem to thrive on a sense of persecution naturally gravitate toward this divisive instrument. It does indeed go against the grain of most Americans who still believe in humanity regardless of colour, race, background and instrument they play. “

More news in this to follow.

Uke Club Seize Day after England World Cup Squad win a Football Match

Ukulele club plans to write national football song after England win football match.

A ukulele club north of London last night revealed their plans to write and perform a national football song after England won a football match this evening.

The Rats Arse Ukulele Strummers (RAS) President Andy Withaball explained following the 2-1 win against Tunisia.

“We really weren’t expecting this. England not only scoring goals but actually winning the match. Amazing. I did think with all the times they kicked that ball toward goal, it would go in at some point but two! Two!”

The unexpected cause for celebration inspired Withaball to get paper and pen out and call his fellow ukulele players over for some wine and song writing. He explained:

“The optimism we have now is massive. If they can just go on to win maybe a second match, that would be amazing. I mean if they don’t, one match is fine, but you know you start to get hungry for victory.”

One of the songwriters has been put in charge of song structure in order to ensure that it’s not just cobbled together. Something the England team has often looked like in the past.

“We have gotten quite far with the project in just the space of three hours.” Said Norman Sland. “ Right now we’re certain that the song will have three verses and a chorus between each. Not quite happy with the middle eight yet but you can’t rush these things. We haven’t actually got any words yet because we’re just not tuned in to this kind of song. We also expect it to start in G and end in D. The rest of the chords we’ll sort after Nora, my wife, works out the circle of fifths graph”.

If the RAS pull this off it will be the only England football team song written this year since every other artist had turned down the offer.

“Theme tunes to darts is all the rage” said Withaball. “So there’s a real chance of this football song becoming a hit in the absence of any other song.”

Watch this space to listen once it’s written.

Aloha Scandal Brings Fear to Ukulele Clubs

Ancient Hawaiians stitch up modern ukulele players.

A team of linguistics experts at Hoaxton University have unearthed a scandal that may rock the modern ukulele world to its core.

Hawaiian words adopted by non Hawaiians after taking up the ukulele may not be the pleasant greetings or have the warm meaning that they have assumed over the last century.

Dr Ava Word, who asked to remain anonymous, has been studying Polynesian languages and dialects for the last 10 years and has had a growing suspicion for the last five.

“Words like “Aloha” just weren’t used as a greeting before Queen Lilli Uo’Kilani. Of course the assumption of it as a greeting hid its original meaning so it was only upon reading a 19th Century Hawaiian play that I twigged. In the play there is a sinister and conflicting encounter between two people which ends with “Aloha”. It just didn’t make sense, but then after that it just didn’t make sense as a greeting. So after some research I found its actual meaning.”

It would appear that “Aloha” isn’t a greeting at all. It actually means “Your mother can only play the C6 chord.”

On further research the term “Ohana” originally thought to refer positively to family, actually was a term used to describe the “strange set of neighbors next door who only play C6”.

Why such words changed their meaning so rapidly at the end of the 1800s can only be speculation but Ava Word has her suspicions.

“Queen Lilli Uo’Kilani was the monarch, loved by her people and arguably a huge influence in the Ukuleles popularity. Two things happened in her lifetime. First the adoption of the ukulele by non Hawaiian Hawaiian citizens (often people from the US) and the coup by these people that over ran the island and toppled Queen Lilli.” Says Word.

“It would appear that having limited means of revenge and seeing how obsessed with the Ukulele and Hawaiian Americans were getting, she thought she would play around.

Knowing that her word was authority , she led these Americans to believe that these insults were actually pleasant greetings.”

So it seems that as the world is gripped by the ukulele craze, it has also inherited aspects of the language drip fed by playfully vengeful Hawaiians.

Dr Word has been reticent about releasing this information into the world for fear of repercussions.

“These days you can’t really be acknowledged as a decent ukulele player in all the clubs unless you’ve mastered the key terms handed down by Lilli. Though it seems strange that a middle aged white American men use the word “Aloha “ all the time, it is a key right of passage for him to be recognised as an achieved Ukulele Player.”

In anticipation of riots after this article, Police information centres have been set up outside ukulele shops and clubs.

If you are affected by this issue, psychologists have given advice on the issue.

Physchologist Leon Mecouch has suggested:

“Just try not using the words Aloha and Ohana until the issue is cleared up. Up until then you can use perfectly reasonable words used in your own language such as “Hi” or “goodbye” like most other people in your country that do not play the ukulele.A good replacement for Ohana is “family”.

Anyone in need of further advice can call:

07463856253.

New Ukulele Movement Reshapes Chord Structures.

New group protests against difficult chords.

For over 100 years, Ukulele players have listened to their teachers or copied you tube tutorials to the T. But now a new movement has been formed which hopes to turn playing the ukulele on its head.

Hank Erring had been playing the ukulele for two months when he smashed his Kamaka soprano against a coffee table and got online to vent his anger.

“I just don’t see how it’s fair that if a song has F#M7 in it, and I can’t play it, I’m then expected to go through the actual process of forming the chord only to hear it sound like shit!” He said in his initial rant which he has repeated since to nearly every news agency and online ukulele Facebook.

“If I’m honest, it’s not just F#M7. A, A#, B, Bb, C#, D, Eb, E, F7, Gmaj7 and H are all absolute fuckers to play. People said it would be easy to learn the uke but they’re wrong. What’s more, no body seems to want to tell me alternative chords instead. Very often I resort to playing C6 instead of pretty much every chord and if that doesn’t work, I just blow into my ocarina. “

Whilst Erring may seem a loan complainer, it appears a movement has started in response with many people now refusing to learn any more chords until someone in authority steps up to the plate.

“It’s become a bit rediculous. Ukulele chords have just become so rediculously complex for no reason at all. “ said Fin Gerfail. “Until someone in authority comes in to sort out the complexity of ukulele chords, I’m with Hank Erring. I will now only agree to play C6.”

Yesterday YouTube became awash with videos posted of various covers only using C6.

“Whilst most people will find that the sound of C6 being played instead of all other chords, isn’t the nicest sound,” explained Erring, “it does, however mean the ukulele has returned to its previous position as the most inclusive instrument in the world. No ukulele chord should ever have to suffer the indignity of being made up of anything other than two finger structures.”

Yesterday ukulele tutorial book author Hal Leonard was unavailable for comment as the ukulele world increasingly becomes divided between the “three finger ass hats” and the self proclaimed “C6ers”.

Watch this space for updates.

Andy Eastwood to become Window Cleaner

Top UK ukulele artist to give up his art professionally for the sake of his art.

One of the top UK banjo ukulele performers last night stated that he is to give up his life on the stage to become a window cleaner.

Andy Eastwood from somewhere in the North (as long as you live in Cornwall) has been a devotee and master of George Formby songs since he first picked up the Ukulele. Since then he has steadily propelled himself to the top status of George Formby song Jedi Master as Formbys’ representative on earth. But for him, performing every night of the week on land, cruises and in the air isn’t enough.

“Anyone can get to my standard if they let George into their life. I did and I’m here but now it’s time to stop making money and put what I have made where my mouth is.”

Eastwood went on to explain:

“I’ve found over the last couple of years that I’ve really enjoyed earning an honest bob whilst working really hard.”

Whilst this has probably always been the case for Eastwood, he says the crunch point case last year when his elderly neighbor almost bashed his door down in a panic.

“The window cleaner hadn’t come that day and it was the last session before Christmas so it was likely that those windows wouldn’t be cleaned for a good two weeks. I had no choice but to step up. I went straight to B and Q and bought a ladder, sponges and a bucket and got up there.

To be honest it was like an epiphany. Almost as if I’d reached Everest. In fact I could see more than I could up there than I would have on Everest. I could see that Mr and Mrs Wilson from two doors up didn’t hate each other really. I could see that retired boxer and rugby player, Mr Dobson three doors up liked cross stitch. And I saw that the Rev Sanders was quite partial to internet sensation, Devilish Deborah. “

Eastwood, over the following months found he had become a real nosey parker, but that his elderly neighbor was beginning to ask why he needed his windows cleaning every day. Soon enough the maestro of the banjolele decided it was time to take his love of Formby to the extreme and become a full time window cleaner as an expression of his art.

“Believe me I have thought it through objectively. I even went to the Army Careers office to see about becoming a Sergeant Major. But window cleaning is the job for me.

Whilst this venture may seem genuine enough, some conspiracy theorists are suggesting that this is part of a bigger plan.

Underground computer expert Ackhan Amstrad approached the Periodical Uke last night anonymously.

“I look for continuities and behaviour repetitions in the internet. I’m also a big Formby fan so it was obvious to me to observe Andy’s google searches. I was astounded to see numerous searches on Right Move for properties in Wigan. But it was one search for “history of the Emperor of Lancashire” that made me sit up.”

Amstrad is now convinced this latest move by Eastwood is a measure to manoeuvre himself gradually into the top position in the Northern County.

Watch this space for more information as soon as it comes in.

You can learn more about Andy Eastwood at:

http://www.andyeastwood.com