Militant Ukulele Group Take Over Warwickshire Village
Reports were coming in last night that a small village outside Nuneaton had been taken over by a militant ukulele group. Residents of Little Wanking manage to send out intermittent messages before make shift road blocks were erected by members of the group calling themselves the Smiling Music Ukulele Group (SMUG).
“It all started in the village hall on Tuesday nights. I even attended a couple. It was friendly. We played King of the Swingers and Bring me Sunshine. There was nothing to really differentiate it from other groups.” Said Imelda Iron who wished to remain anonymous.
“Then one day I turned up with a strap on my soprano. I thought nothing of it but I saw a few eyebrows and heard some deep sighs. When I pulled out a plectrum, the room just erupted.”
Iron reports that she was sent for individual reprogramming every week in a side room where she was reminded of the strict rules the club had applied.
“No straps, no plectrums, the cheaper the Uke from Amazon the more you were revered. Music stands were compulsory. You had to greet other members with the word “Aloha”. In fact there were even Hawaiian classes.”
Reports suggest that Tuesday nights spilt into Wednesday and then Thursday and then every other day of the week. Last week residents voiced concerns that “Ain’t She Sweet” was being played over a tannoy from the church belfry three times a day and a Wicca effigy of George Harrison had been erected in the village green.
Local tourist offices have reported that over the last month, every public event in Little Wanking has involved a ukulele performance by SMUG which ties in with the local Open Mic being dominated by members of the same group.
This morning three members of the village were ejected through the road blocks and their ukuleles confiscated because they had been accused of playing bluegrass.
Cult expert Irma Sheep, explained that the signs were there for months.
“You can usually identify signs of radicalisation at an early stage by the volume of videos filmed and put on YouTube. Ukulele videos of varying qualities by one person to begin with and then others from the same geographical area follow and all usually the same song. Last month there were 500 versions of Toxic by Britney Spears all coming from the same IP Address around Nuneaton. This week alone there has been 60 versions of Like A Virgin from the same area, mainly by players over 60.”
Alongside his information, The Puke recalls the same ukulele club attacking teacher Frank Murmer last month led by Mrs Illuva Pinbridge. Reports need to be verified before she is confirmed as the cult leader.
As I write, another report has come in that SMUG have now set up their own panel of ukulele experts who will develop ukulele doctrine and their own hall of fame over the next six months.
Sheep commented “This is entirely predictable behaviour. Radicalised novices who took up the Uke thinking it would be easy, ignoring the advice of seasoned performers and musicians to set up their own doctrine. It’s scary stuff!”
Watch this space for further reports.