Ancient Hawaiians stitch up modern ukulele players.
A team of linguistics experts at Hoaxton University have unearthed a scandal that may rock the modern ukulele world to its core.
Hawaiian words adopted by non Hawaiians after taking up the ukulele may not be the pleasant greetings or have the warm meaning that they have assumed over the last century.
Dr Ava Word, who asked to remain anonymous, has been studying Polynesian languages and dialects for the last 10 years and has had a growing suspicion for the last five.
“Words like “Aloha” just weren’t used as a greeting before Queen Lilli Uo’Kilani. Of course the assumption of it as a greeting hid its original meaning so it was only upon reading a 19th Century Hawaiian play that I twigged. In the play there is a sinister and conflicting encounter between two people which ends with “Aloha”. It just didn’t make sense, but then after that it just didn’t make sense as a greeting. So after some research I found its actual meaning.”
It would appear that “Aloha” isn’t a greeting at all. It actually means “Your mother can only play the C6 chord.”
On further research the term “Ohana” originally thought to refer positively to family, actually was a term used to describe the “strange set of neighbors next door who only play C6”.
Why such words changed their meaning so rapidly at the end of the 1800s can only be speculation but Ava Word has her suspicions.
“Queen Lilli Uo’Kilani was the monarch, loved by her people and arguably a huge influence in the Ukuleles popularity. Two things happened in her lifetime. First the adoption of the ukulele by non Hawaiian Hawaiian citizens (often people from the US) and the coup by these people that over ran the island and toppled Queen Lilli.” Says Word.
“It would appear that having limited means of revenge and seeing how obsessed with the Ukulele and Hawaiian Americans were getting, she thought she would play around.
Knowing that her word was authority , she led these Americans to believe that these insults were actually pleasant greetings.”
So it seems that as the world is gripped by the ukulele craze, it has also inherited aspects of the language drip fed by playfully vengeful Hawaiians.
Dr Word has been reticent about releasing this information into the world for fear of repercussions.
“These days you can’t really be acknowledged as a decent ukulele player in all the clubs unless you’ve mastered the key terms handed down by Lilli. Though it seems strange that a middle aged white American men use the word “Aloha “ all the time, it is a key right of passage for him to be recognised as an achieved Ukulele Player.”
In anticipation of riots after this article, Police information centres have been set up outside ukulele shops and clubs.
If you are affected by this issue, psychologists have given advice on the issue.
Physchologist Leon Mecouch has suggested:
“Just try not using the words Aloha and Ohana until the issue is cleared up. Up until then you can use perfectly reasonable words used in your own language such as “Hi” or “goodbye” like most other people in your country that do not play the ukulele.A good replacement for Ohana is “family”.
Anyone in need of further advice can call: