Aloha Scandal Brings Fear to Ukulele Clubs

Ancient Hawaiians stitch up modern ukulele players.

A team of linguistics experts at Hoaxton University have unearthed a scandal that may rock the modern ukulele world to its core.

Hawaiian words adopted by non Hawaiians after taking up the ukulele may not be the pleasant greetings or have the warm meaning that they have assumed over the last century.

Dr Ava Word, who asked to remain anonymous, has been studying Polynesian languages and dialects for the last 10 years and has had a growing suspicion for the last five.

“Words like “Aloha” just weren’t used as a greeting before Queen Lilli Uo’Kilani. Of course the assumption of it as a greeting hid its original meaning so it was only upon reading a 19th Century Hawaiian play that I twigged. In the play there is a sinister and conflicting encounter between two people which ends with “Aloha”. It just didn’t make sense, but then after that it just didn’t make sense as a greeting. So after some research I found its actual meaning.”

It would appear that “Aloha” isn’t a greeting at all. It actually means “Your mother can only play the C6 chord.”

On further research the term “Ohana” originally thought to refer positively to family, actually was a term used to describe the “strange set of neighbors next door who only play C6”.

Why such words changed their meaning so rapidly at the end of the 1800s can only be speculation but Ava Word has her suspicions.

“Queen Lilli Uo’Kilani was the monarch, loved by her people and arguably a huge influence in the Ukuleles popularity. Two things happened in her lifetime. First the adoption of the ukulele by non Hawaiian Hawaiian citizens (often people from the US) and the coup by these people that over ran the island and toppled Queen Lilli.” Says Word.

“It would appear that having limited means of revenge and seeing how obsessed with the Ukulele and Hawaiian Americans were getting, she thought she would play around.

Knowing that her word was authority , she led these Americans to believe that these insults were actually pleasant greetings.”

So it seems that as the world is gripped by the ukulele craze, it has also inherited aspects of the language drip fed by playfully vengeful Hawaiians.

Dr Word has been reticent about releasing this information into the world for fear of repercussions.

“These days you can’t really be acknowledged as a decent ukulele player in all the clubs unless you’ve mastered the key terms handed down by Lilli. Though it seems strange that a middle aged white American men use the word “Aloha “ all the time, it is a key right of passage for him to be recognised as an achieved Ukulele Player.”

In anticipation of riots after this article, Police information centres have been set up outside ukulele shops and clubs.

If you are affected by this issue, psychologists have given advice on the issue.

Physchologist Leon Mecouch has suggested:

“Just try not using the words Aloha and Ohana until the issue is cleared up. Up until then you can use perfectly reasonable words used in your own language such as “Hi” or “goodbye” like most other people in your country that do not play the ukulele.A good replacement for Ohana is “family”.

Anyone in need of further advice can call:

07463856253.

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New Ukulele Movement Reshapes Chord Structures.

New group protests against difficult chords.

For over 100 years, Ukulele players have listened to their teachers or copied you tube tutorials to the T. But now a new movement has been formed which hopes to turn playing the ukulele on its head.

Hank Erring had been playing the ukulele for two months when he smashed his Kamaka soprano against a coffee table and got online to vent his anger.

“I just don’t see how it’s fair that if a song has F#M7 in it, and I can’t play it, I’m then expected to go through the actual process of forming the chord only to hear it sound like shit!” He said in his initial rant which he has repeated since to nearly every news agency and online ukulele Facebook.

“If I’m honest, it’s not just F#M7. A, A#, B, Bb, C#, D, Eb, E, F7, Gmaj7 and H are all absolute fuckers to play. People said it would be easy to learn the uke but they’re wrong. What’s more, no body seems to want to tell me alternative chords instead. Very often I resort to playing C6 instead of pretty much every chord and if that doesn’t work, I just blow into my ocarina. “

Whilst Erring may seem a loan complainer, it appears a movement has started in response with many people now refusing to learn any more chords until someone in authority steps up to the plate.

“It’s become a bit rediculous. Ukulele chords have just become so rediculously complex for no reason at all. “ said Fin Gerfail. “Until someone in authority comes in to sort out the complexity of ukulele chords, I’m with Hank Erring. I will now only agree to play C6.”

Yesterday YouTube became awash with videos posted of various covers only using C6.

“Whilst most people will find that the sound of C6 being played instead of all other chords, isn’t the nicest sound,” explained Erring, “it does, however mean the ukulele has returned to its previous position as the most inclusive instrument in the world. No ukulele chord should ever have to suffer the indignity of being made up of anything other than two finger structures.”

Yesterday ukulele tutorial book author Hal Leonard was unavailable for comment as the ukulele world increasingly becomes divided between the “three finger ass hats” and the self proclaimed “C6ers”.

Watch this space for updates.

Andy Eastwood to become Window Cleaner

Top UK ukulele artist to give up his art professionally for the sake of his art.

One of the top UK banjo ukulele performers last night stated that he is to give up his life on the stage to become a window cleaner.

Andy Eastwood from somewhere in the North (as long as you live in Cornwall) has been a devotee and master of George Formby songs since he first picked up the Ukulele. Since then he has steadily propelled himself to the top status of George Formby song Jedi Master as Formbys’ representative on earth. But for him, performing every night of the week on land, cruises and in the air isn’t enough.

“Anyone can get to my standard if they let George into their life. I did and I’m here but now it’s time to stop making money and put what I have made where my mouth is.”

Eastwood went on to explain:

“I’ve found over the last couple of years that I’ve really enjoyed earning an honest bob whilst working really hard.”

Whilst this has probably always been the case for Eastwood, he says the crunch point case last year when his elderly neighbor almost bashed his door down in a panic.

“The window cleaner hadn’t come that day and it was the last session before Christmas so it was likely that those windows wouldn’t be cleaned for a good two weeks. I had no choice but to step up. I went straight to B and Q and bought a ladder, sponges and a bucket and got up there.

To be honest it was like an epiphany. Almost as if I’d reached Everest. In fact I could see more than I could up there than I would have on Everest. I could see that Mr and Mrs Wilson from two doors up didn’t hate each other really. I could see that retired boxer and rugby player, Mr Dobson three doors up liked cross stitch. And I saw that the Rev Sanders was quite partial to internet sensation, Devilish Deborah. “

Eastwood, over the following months found he had become a real nosey parker, but that his elderly neighbor was beginning to ask why he needed his windows cleaning every day. Soon enough the maestro of the banjolele decided it was time to take his love of Formby to the extreme and become a full time window cleaner as an expression of his art.

“Believe me I have thought it through objectively. I even went to the Army Careers office to see about becoming a Sergeant Major. But window cleaning is the job for me.

Whilst this venture may seem genuine enough, some conspiracy theorists are suggesting that this is part of a bigger plan.

Underground computer expert Ackhan Amstrad approached the Periodical Uke last night anonymously.

“I look for continuities and behaviour repetitions in the internet. I’m also a big Formby fan so it was obvious to me to observe Andy’s google searches. I was astounded to see numerous searches on Right Move for properties in Wigan. But it was one search for “history of the Emperor of Lancashire” that made me sit up.”

Amstrad is now convinced this latest move by Eastwood is a measure to manoeuvre himself gradually into the top position in the Northern County.

Watch this space for more information as soon as it comes in.

You can learn more about Andy Eastwood at:

http://www.andyeastwood.com

Ukuleles Now Classed as Small Guitars

The Congress Of Allied Stringed Instrument Manufacturers yesterday made a ground breaking if controversial decision to strip the ukulele of its own entity.

“In this time of need for global austerity and financial uncertainty, plus the scrutiny of public opinion we have decided that the ukulele is to no longer be an instrument in its own right. From now on it will be included amongst the sub genres of the guitar umbrella.”

The resulting 2 page document distributed by CASIM, lays out explicit benefits for such a move which will, nonetheless, outrage the ukulele community. Two major points are:

1. The major financial burden to manufacturers under present financial strain is having to develop a totally separate marketing programme for these instruments separate from guitars. In this climate of legislation and law suits, the cost of fights by models and photographers to Hawaii for promotion shots alone can cost an significant initial outlay.

2. a. Ukulele players are currently struggling with their identity in a world dominated by guitars. They are either having to face ignorance about what the instrument is, whether it’s a toy or not or whether it’s a guitar or not. Bringing the ukulele into the guitar family actually eliminates that problem.

b. Some young people who play the ukulele, are finding some social situations difficult where they have to admit that they are ukulele players when their mates are rocking out on Gibson Flying Vs. This measure gives them immediate identity as a guitarist avoid big awkward social situations.

Predictably there has been immediate outrage from all corners of the ukulele world.

Bryan Harris from Burnham On Sea said:

“I am pretty big stuff in the uke world with my home made YouTube videos. My work is viewed by people all over the world at least 80 times each time I post a video. The ukulele has made me. Before I only had to compete with people like Ian Lewis from Reading, but now I find myself up against David Gilmore, Eric Clapton and Slash. I’m totally finished.”

We caught up with a major manufacturer who welcomed the decision. Derrick Axe from Frender when asked about the move said:

“ I think it makes sense”.

When asked about his view of his own line of ukuleles he said:

“We make ukuleles?”

Time will only tell whether this will have a major impact on the ukulele world either positively or negatively. Watch this space for updates.

Solid Laminate Saturating Ukulele Market Scandal

The Periodical Ukulele was piecing the last shreds of evidence last night that incriminates scores of ukulele manufacturers who have found a loop hole in international law. Ukuleles made from protected woods can now be seized by border control without the right paperwork and certificates which costs both the manufacturer and the customer money many would rather not give away.

Last night one of the worlds leading US luthiers admitted that he was using this loop hole. Bret Marker who asked to remain anonymous, admitted that the process is simple.

“We just take the solid wood, crush and mush it up and then dry it in thin sheets then glue those layers together to make the back, sides and sometimes front of a ukulele. People have been using laminate for years but now we’ve really learnt to laminate these solid, high grade woods. What you get is a solid wood laminate ukulele. Same sound, same quality, but because it’s laminate border control haven’t got anything to go with.

Many ukulele players in the know have been quick to criticise companies that claim to use solid woods when in fact the instruments are laminate but this new twist has created a grey area that, for now, leaves everyone stumped and the solid woods sliding through customs like water through an open damn.

Last night border control said on the matter:

“Er…..I don’t know, I’ll ask Bob.”

Watch this space for more updates.

Sandwich Found in Danielle Anderson’s Apartment

Food item, previously thought to have been eaten, found intact in refrigerator.

The world was left in shock last night as reports came through of Federal Bureau of Investigation agents raiding the apartment of the innocent, fresh faced Danielle Anderson.

FBI spokesperson, Ivor Hunch, said last night:

“I can confirm that there is an ongoing investigation into something, within the state based in an apartment of someone we are looking at.”

Whilst we could glean little information, neighbors have stated that Anderson’s apartment was stormed after they heard armed FBI agents saying.

“There’s not a lot of time left to get that sandwich out safely and intact!”

Followed by agents removing what appeared to be a pastrami sandwich in what looked like either an evidence bag or a sandwich bag.

The world embraced artiste Anderson some years ago as she crashed into the scene as Danielle Ate The Sandwich .

Most assumed from her stage name that the sandwich, although it’s identity and nature unknown, was in fact ingested some years ago.

Some friends and neighbours state, however, that Anderson’s relationship with the sandwich was ongoing and it wasn’t a secret.

“It’s one of those things which occurred in broad daylight but either people were in denial or just ignored it.”

Said Delilah Tinkle who is a friend and neighbor of the ukulele playing singer.

“I visited Dan almost every day for 5 years and when she went to get something out of the refrigerator the sandwich was always there. I just didn’t think. I guess it became normal in my mind when actually all along it is a total scandal that she’s been living this lie.”

Fresh face Anderson before the grim discovery.

Anderson herself made a statement after half an hour of intense interrogation by the FBI after which she was released without charge.

“There seems to be some investigation as to whether a crime of fake news has been committed by virtue of the fact that I am called ‘Danielle Ate The Sandwich’ and yet I keep a sandwich in my refrigerator. I can confirm that the original sandwich which was a pastrami sandwich on white bread, was eaten by myself about 5 years ago. I will confess to keeping and ingesting numerous sandwiches on a rotational basis over the years in order to fulfill my appetite after a hard gig. Whilst this is itself not a crime, I understand the confusion and heart ache this may have caused. I would like to apologise to everyone I’ve misled or hurt.”

Anderson’s agent has since confirmed that the artist is considering other stage names to reflect the actual truth. Currently “Danielle Kept The Sandwich” is the favourite.

You can glean more information about the notorious sandwich keeper on her Facebook page.

Militant Ukulele Group Take Over Warwickshire Village

Militant Ukulele Group Take Over Warwickshire Village

Reports were coming in last night that a small village outside Nuneaton had been taken over by a militant ukulele group. Residents of Little Wanking manage to send out intermittent messages before make shift road blocks were erected by members of the group calling themselves the Smiling Music Ukulele Group (SMUG).

“It all started in the village hall on Tuesday nights. I even attended a couple. It was friendly. We played King of the Swingers and Bring me Sunshine. There was nothing to really differentiate it from other groups.” Said Imelda Iron who wished to remain anonymous.

“Then one day I turned up with a strap on my soprano. I thought nothing of it but I saw a few eyebrows and heard some deep sighs. When I pulled out a plectrum, the room just erupted.”

Iron reports that she was sent for individual reprogramming every week in a side room where she was reminded of the strict rules the club had applied.

“No straps, no plectrums, the cheaper the Uke from Amazon the more you were revered. Music stands were compulsory. You had to greet other members with the word “Aloha”. In fact there were even Hawaiian classes.”

Reports suggest that Tuesday nights spilt into Wednesday and then Thursday and then every other day of the week. Last week residents voiced concerns that “Ain’t She Sweet” was being played over a tannoy from the church belfry three times a day and a Wicca effigy of George Harrison had been erected in the village green.

Local tourist offices have reported that over the last month, every public event in Little Wanking has involved a ukulele performance by SMUG which ties in with the local Open Mic being dominated by members of the same group.

This morning three members of the village were ejected through the road blocks and their ukuleles confiscated because they had been accused of playing bluegrass.

Cult expert Irma Sheep, explained that the signs were there for months.

“You can usually identify signs of radicalisation at an early stage by the volume of videos filmed and put on YouTube. Ukulele videos of varying qualities by one person to begin with and then others from the same geographical area follow and all usually the same song. Last month there were 500 versions of Toxic by Britney Spears all coming from the same IP Address around Nuneaton. This week alone there has been 60 versions of Like A Virgin from the same area, mainly by players over 60.”

Alongside his information, The Puke recalls the same ukulele club attacking teacher Frank Murmer last month led by Mrs Illuva Pinbridge. Reports need to be verified before she is confirmed as the cult leader.

As I write, another report has come in that SMUG have now set up their own panel of ukulele experts who will develop ukulele doctrine and their own hall of fame over the next six months.

Sheep commented “This is entirely predictable behaviour. Radicalised novices who took up the Uke thinking it would be easy, ignoring the advice of seasoned performers and musicians to set up their own doctrine. It’s scary stuff!”

Watch this space for further reports.